Tuesday, October 16, 2007

e-flirting and e-breaks

Tonight I restrained myself and had only three cocktails before calling it a night so I could come home and, yes, do economics homework. The fact that my lover Insomnia spent the night also made this an easier decision.

So I come home and there are two emails awaiting me, one from The Ukrainian, which was sweet and saying that he had fun with me, with a link to this and he was telling me about. I happily responded that I would love to go out with him again, and that I thought he was cute.

The second one was from Boy, and it set of a totally unexpected e-nd to our CL affair. I think.

Boy is one of the many of us who spends way too much time in front of a computer, and when we first met via craig, I sent him a link to my MySpace for photos, and I guess he combed through my blog for clues as to my personality. Well this morning as I was waiting for the sunrise, I posted a dumb blog about Boy 1 v. Boy 2 as well as many sappy two-bit comparisons about This Life v. That Life, and on and on.

Following the first two emails, I consulted with Girlfriend, and she thinks I was right to let this one go. She says he expresses too much "entitlement" to me in his first email. Really, I would have let it pass, but I feel like we were heading nowhere anyway, and the person at the bar I reference in my first response was because I was saying this earlier tonight, about the friend zone. Keep in mind that this email from him was totally unsolicited, i.e., he happened upon my MySpace blog, and decided to tell me exactly what he thought of it.

> > > Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:35:44 -0400
> > > From: Boy
> > > To: seriously
> > > Subject: i want to read your secret web log
> >
> > >
i'm curious about boy number one. unless i'm boy number one, in which case i'm curious about boy number two. if i'm neither then i'm curious about both. i think i'm most comfortable being boy number two.
> > >
you made a comment in an email about being glad i wasn't bored with you yet, or something. i found that funny because you are the interesting one, the one who *goes places* and *does things* and plays piano and writes two web logs and used to ride a motorcycle. i like to stay home and watch reruns of house. but i believe that you like me. at least a little.
> > >
the truth is that i know nothing about adult relationships either. i'm not going to lie -- i have wondered how things would be if after getting drunk on one of our *dates* we went back to someone's place and did it, whether you would suggest it, what you would say if i did, whether i really wanted to, and what, eventually, you would write about it afterwards, if anything, on your secret web log. and so, in response to your suggestion of sex (not your suggestion of *having* sex, just of sex itself, so clever or careful as you are to make such a heavy thing float so effortlessly in an email) is that i like you. a lot. there are parts of me that say yes, which don't discriminate, and there are other parts of me that also say yes, which do discriminate (there are also parts that say no, but those parts will always say no; they are curmudgeons), and that is enough for me. but all my parts say no if you are already doing it with boy number one, or whatever his name is.
> > >
i guess this email is in case my actions or attitudes are confusing. girls sometimes tell me i can be that way.
> > >
> > > Boy
> >
> On 10/15/07, seriously wrote:
> >
you're funny. congratulations, you have actually managed to come quite close to flooring me with such an honest email, and i really don't know how to respond. but since i have a few cocktails in me, i will just go with whatever comes out of my fingertips in the next 4.3 minutes:
> >
number one, you cannot read my secret blog, so let's just leave it at that. it's secret, duh. don't you remember our conversation about the things you elect to tell, and those things you elect to keep to yourself? well, this is one of those situations. live with it.
> >
if i was going to be brutally honest, which i guess i will be, hey why not, i guess i would say that i have no idea what is going on here, but i'm inclined to take it as it comes and also just leave it at that. i am not supposed to be with you; that is honestly how i feel. but i like you too; i appreciate that you and i have both "been to the dark side," as my (former) roommate would say. and in spite of these similarities, i like that your brain functions on a different wave length in terms of your problem-solving abilities, and i like the way you explain things. to me teachers are so fucken hot. but i feel like we could be walking into friends territory, which is familiar--and not bad--ground. someone just said to me tonight, "if there can only be one, then i'm glad i didn't fuck up all my friendships along the way by sleeping with everyone who wasn't that one." so what if i don't know how i feel. i like hanging out with you, so let's just do that. hang out. have fun.
> >
i'm not trying to be discouraging, and i'm running out of my 4.3 minutes, i'm just saying that i think i know what adult relationships consist of now, so if you think you can still hang out with me given all this brutal honesty, on these terms, let's just have fun and not put any undue pressures on either one of us. how does that sound?
> >
this friday night, the cross street is allen and delancey. i would love it if you could suggest a place to meet at 7 and grab a bottle of wine. of course if you're freaked out by the thought of us just being friends, then you should bail on this right now.
> >
> >
> >
> > ________________________________

> Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2007 23:56:08 -0400
> From: Boy
> To: seriously
> Subject: Re: i want to read your secret web log
yeah, well, i came home from work and ate a truffle and got to thinking. (i love how, even when we are being up front about being honest, we have to mention a cocktail or pot filled snacks.) and then i cleaned my room.
i *was* feeling a lot of undue pressure. i really don't know how adult relationships work. your expectations, etc. you kept calling our meetings dates! i don't think i had ever gone on a date with someone i wasn't already sleeping with. seriously. i just... didn't want you to think i didn't like you because i didn't try anything, or at least mention anything. that has happened before.
i don't think i'm supposed to be with anyone.
i like that you have been to the dark side, but i *really* like that you are done with it. i don't think that i am. and i kind of envy how you go full speed all the time, out every night, talking,
drinking, feeling. i kind of wish i was capable of that, because i fear that i miss a lot while at home, resting. but it's not me.
anyway, i'm definitely not freaked out by being friends. intimacy freaks me out, not friendship. but, to borrow your favorite phrase and be brutally honest, i already have friends.
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2007 00:12:23 -0400
RE: i want to read your secret web log
From: seriously
To: Boy

Boy, i don't know about this.

this is a gross email chain, but now i feel captivated by it so i have to continue.

it sounds to me like you have a lot of things you need to work out before you can be in a healthy relationship and i'm not sure i want to be the one to work with you through it. i don't want to be anyone's sherpa, especially the sherpa out of the dark side. i also don't want to feel like i have to hide the fact that i'm dating, that this is what dating should be like, or be defensive about it, and your earlier email to me really put me off though i wanted to just brush it off. i think we both have different ideas of what we want right now. i just want to have fun and enjoy life, and i don't think you're there with me right now.

look. something's telling me to let this go right now, and maybe for a little bit. i don't want to give you the wrong impression of anything, but i guess i do want you to think about why you're dating, what you're looking for when you get on craig. i thought i was pretty explicit.

let's call this friday off. i have a friend in town, midterms next week, and i think you're tired and stressed, and i can't deal with this right now, and i don't want to feel like i have to. it is hard for me to say this over email; this took way longer than 4 minutes, but i think it is best. i am out here to have a good time, and you should do the same.

call me next week if you want to talk.


This whole interaction feels totally evil to me, and gross, and I am kind of mad at him for pushing me into it. I was going to not respond to his third email, just go to bed, meet up with him Friday as planned, and just forget about this whole weird exchange, but you know what would have happened? That would have been inviting my lover Insomnia back to bed with me to think about how fucked up this whole thing was, and I would have laid awake wondering why I was subjecting myself to this kind of scrutiny for a Boy I've only been on 5 dates with, who doesn't even like to consider them dates, but "meetings."
I also cannot date a guy who calls having sex "doing it." He is a nice Boy, but a boy nonetheless. Do I want to deal with someone who confronts me, before our sixth date, with his lack of adult relationships, intimacy issues, and threats to retreat back to the dark side? This is not my deal. It's not fair for me to have to worry about the feelings of a boy I haven't even kissed. And that's not attractive. Ever have child fantasies where you have sex with the frail creature you're trying to protect?

Yeah, me neither. And this is why I shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place, because he was younger than my age requirement, but since he ignored it, I thought I would, too.

Now I can go to bed feeling like I have washed my hands of this. Eww, no. I have a conscience. I still feel bad.


Papagayo said...

um, damn, your life is *infinitely* more exciting than mine. i'm signing up for lessons

sami^raced said...

dating is impossible. casual sex is impossible. simplicity can all too often be impossible or else ridiculously fucking difficult. and this sucks.

sami^raced said...

oh and by the way ... we need to talk about this dark side theme. i feel out of the loop with you and that's sort of creeping me out.

keetens said...

Wow I really admire how honest you were. I think we all set out to be but it's hard knowing how you *really* feel to begin with. Once you know, getting it out there seems second nature.

What's up with these boys who want to get married all the time?