staying power

Good morning and welcome to an Early Morning Edition of Serious Business! (Warning: You may want to skip the * paragraph; it is not for the faint of heart.)

I am all dressed up today and ready to power through my last day of school for the semester. I am trying to feel really good about it all, but the truth is that I burned out several weeks ago, and have not really been able to get it up since then. I am really good at going hard out of the gate, but then losing all steam toward the finish line.

Tuesday night, as aforementioned in my blog-between-binges, I decided to go out to see Joe. This was against all better judgment on two levels. On a female level, I just met this guy and it was going to be my third day in a row seeing him, and I am only lukewarm into it. And on an adult level, I had this big fucken deal client presentation Wednesday evening, and I knew that going out Tuesday meant showing up Wednesday being all out of it. I am a delicate person who needs her sleep.

So I went to Williamsburg.

To avoid thinking about all the ways I fuck things up in the eleventh hour, I punished my brain for thinking by drinking heavily. The bars we went to were fun, and my lungs got severely punished at these two bars with glorious smoking patios, Pete's Candy Store and Matchless. Matchless even had a pool table, and two-for-one drinks: glorious!, making it one of the best bars I've yet been to in The NY.

Joe's a sweet guy, and the complete opposite of me in that dangerous way where I know this shit can't go anywhere, but I will damn well sleep with him until I probably fall in love with him, which is precisely how I got started on my three-year relationship with The Ex. We had some pretty sweet sex on the roof of his building, which could only have been better if it had not gone on for so long. Yes, Wandering, I suddenly understand what you mean about drunk sex. You can just go on forever because you're too wasted to blow your load. This kills me.

*Sex the morning after would have been way better had we not turned on the light to survey what looked like the scene of a splatter porn. Bloody hand prints everywhere. This could explain why I was so extremely horny for the past few nights. My uterus wants a baby! My brain, on the other hand, only wants to drink. Thank god my brain is also really into using condoms lately, or we would have a problem.

The shame came last night when, after totally blundering through our client presentation, I was removed from the speaker list at tonight's other Big Fucken Deal show at Rutgers. This makes me feel really bad, and I wish I could just swallow the mistake and get over it...better yet, not even swallow it, but just let it pass over me. So I chose sex and booze over school and doing a good job. I have done this before and it hasn't really bothered me. But it was the group aspect that I had kind of let slip in my mind, and everyone knows that if there's one thing I hate, it's letting other people down. Whether they're Type A classmates with whom I feel little in common, my immigrant parents, or random boys I pick up, I hate disappointing people. That's the frustrated little Asian girl in me.