serious spring

I am still in Illinois. I extended my trip by four days, partially because I wanted to hang out more, and partially because I wasn't feeling well and wasn't feeling up to getting back on the train. But I am doing better now, and I am getting back on the train tonight. That is yet one more cool thing about the train, I can just decide to stay longer, and it doesn't really cost too much extra. Ah, the luxury of time.

While I spent a few days hanging out in Chicago (staying with my little brother who lives in Lakeview), I also spent a few days hanging out in the 'burbs, which are "pretty" but largely uninspiring. This weeklong, unstructured stint is giving me a heads-up as to what my summer is going to be like...a mix of chilling in a great city, and a mix of feeling worthless. So, to combat this, I've decided to get serious about my writing this summer.

OK, I know I say that every year, the same way I quit smoking every fall, but hey, we just gotta keep trying, right? I'm going to write every day the same way I would go to work every day though, honestly. Seriously, seriously, seriously. This will probably be my last summer to do whatever the fuck I want, and it seems that honestly, if I could do anything, it would be to write.

This renewed motivation feels stronger this year because I had a medical scare earlier this week. I'm really no hypochondriac, but in light of recent and past sexual history, as well as the nature of the problem,I got kind of freaked out and actually went to an urgent care clinic in Chicago. It was kind of a useless visit. It was an unpleasant and expensive way for me to find out that whatever is wrong with me, it's not pregnancy, chlamydia, or gonorrhea. When I get back to The NY I'm going to see a real OB/GYN to take care of some business, and hopefully it won't be too serious. Until then, I just have to put it out of my mind. This is what I get for all of my drunken sluttery...oh wait, and for dating men who cheat on me. I'm not sure which is worse.

I am kind of excited for the train ride back, so I can zone out and think about all the weird shit that has gone on this week, mostly just confrontations with my prolonged adolescence, my mortality, and my obesity (thanks mom). That will probably take up one-twentieth of the time, and the rest will be spent in mild discomfort, and thinking of boys. I have passed along an "Invite Tyler!" APB to my friend, and I have decided not to invite Joe, because of the sex precedence and my current sexual dysfunctioning. My current daydream is to escape with Tyler, move to Atlanta, and not have vaginal cancer. And, like I said, I have 24+ delightful hours on Amtrak to think about all this.