t-minus 14 hours

I have to admit that when I say am "excited" for my trip to the desert, this excitement is more fear-based than happy-based. Detox doc and I have been talking about this innate desire I have to attack all my fears. He says that this may not be a good thing...like wanting to conquer your fear of public speaking is a good thing...but wanting to attack bears...not a good thing. It is hard for me to know the difference, though.

Taking away booze has made me want to be in control of everything, and in a desire to overcome this, I have not planned a damn thing. Like I have not planned anything beyond my plane ticket. This terrifies me. I know this sounds completely idiotic. Like, why would I scare the shit out of myself intentionally...but it's something I have to do, just to show myself that it's okay.

Why yes, being neurotic is very stressful. I keep on telling you this.

All I know is that when I get on the airplane, there is a 20 percent chance that I will feel very good about everything, a 20 percent chance that I will fall asleep, (I AM EXHAUSTED. I did not sleep last night, and I slept on Neighbor's sofa before getting up before dawn again to shoot photos before embarking on a most stressful day) a 50 percent chance that I will feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown and decide to take a handful of tranquilizers, and a 10 percent chance that I will sit next to a very cute boy who will take my mind off of all of my troubles. That's the way life is when you've sworn off of men for the month.