I ran into New Crush again on my way out Friday and we had another non-exchange that was even better than the first. I let it fuck with me all the way out to Brooklyn on my way to see Joe.
I am trying to fall in love with him. He sang my favorite song and I was happy. I don't know why I wake up feeling anxious when I'm around him. Sometimes I want to blame it on the booze, because it's more like the sobriety that makes me anxious. I suppose that's normal but I've been seeing him off and on for several months now. Something won't let me relax completely--not just around him, but in general.
I can't even relax when we're having sex. And I'm very happy to be having sex with him again. Of the past ten guys I've slept with, he's the best by a long shot, and still I can't fully get lost in it. First I thought I was over sex by and large, and then I have sex with him and it's all I can think about for days. In the morning whenever I wake up at his place I feel like I'm wasting my life. Is that fucked up?
Last night I went to see Keith Jarrett, Jack Dejohnette, and Gary Peacock at Carnegie Hall. After some craigslist failures, I just went and bought a ticket from a guy on the sidewalk. It ended up being a super sweet box seat on the far left, first row. I chatted with the guy sitting next to me in the box and he offered me a drink during the set break. He was probably in his late forties, and was in from upstate just to see the show. He was sitting between me and the stage and I couldnt help but stare at him for most of the show, and kept thinking about having sex with him. I was somehow sure that he would be great in bed and that it would be fun. After the show I went to get a few drinks with him anyhow, and he ended up being a great resource for my thesis. People have so much surprising information inside them. I kept thinking about having sex with him, but then when he mentioned the Marriott, I remembered the last time that I had sex at the Marriott it was not a good time. And it is horrible to wake up in Times Square.
The couchsurfers should be gone by now and I can't wait to go home and smoke a spliff in the bathtub and watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs on my laptop, which I put on the toilet when I'm in the tub. It's bliss.