Tuesday, September 23, 2008

radical upswing

There is a reason why people seek professional help, and I think it's to avoid posting horribly depressing things like the post I put up yesterday! I don't know what compelled me to do that. Wait, yes I do. I was picturing people's reactions when they'd heard I'd gone completely fucken insane and thinking, "She did what? I didn't know she was feeling like that." I just didn't want there to be any surprises. You've been warned. And thank you for your love anyhow. I love that you love me, even if I'm a finicky little bitch. I'm sorry to worry people. Sometimes I want people to worry about me, and sometimes I don't. But don't worry. If I need you, I will call. Just pick up the damn phone!

I'm feeling a lot better today. I woke up and still couldn't really breathe, but I did sleep, and in my mind I told myself that I would not die, that even though mental instability does not feel good, it will not kill me, at least not directly. I am working through things. I just need tranquilizers in the meanwhile, or to wait until the pendulum swings in the opposite direction and I can think about more serious things, like why the Wall Street bailout makes me so angry and why I can't concentrate on school and why I want to be in a relationship if I can't seem to commit to anything at all. I read a piece of iFluff today about OCD dating. Bwahaha! That's totally me. Anyhow all the little pieces of ecstasy flooding my brain feel good today instead of bad, and this is good news. I have to take advantage of my good moods and try to get things done.

Tonight I am going to try a radical experiment in my NYC dating spree, which is to basically tell John that I have no idea what is going on, but that he can't expect anything of me, really. I don't know what I mean by that because the whole creation of any kind of relationship is managing expectations. Maybe it's saying that I don't want to be in a relationship at all? But I don't want to just continue having casual sex. What if I go celibate for a year? Now I'm just talking crazy. Okay, so I haven't figured out what I'm going to say to him at all. I'm just going to wing it. This is how it's probably going to start, though:

Me: So....
J: So...
Me: I want to say something but I'm not sure what.
J: Okay...
Me: Hm, maybe I should have another drink.
(20 minutes later)
Me: Let's fuck!

Just kidding. Jesus Christ, I'm just kidding. FYI, I haven't had more than six drinks in one night in a week! It's this new thing they call "moderation."

Me: So....
J: So...
Me: I want to say something but I'm not sure what.
J: Okay...
Me: Look, I don't want to dwell on the intense exchange we had last weekend, but it's got me thinking that maybe I've led you to believe certain things that aren't true. I've been accused of leading people on before, and if that's the case, I'm sorry that my actions are misleading. So let's just clear shit up right now. I am not looking to dive headfirst into anything serious right now. I know we had sex within a few hours of meeting each other, which doesn't typically equate to anything serious, so let's just stick with that for now. Maybe in a couple months after seeing each other weekly, I'll ask you what your last name is. If that is going to cause more scenes like the one we had the other night, though, we better have a couple of cocktails and call it a night.

2 comments:

Papagayo said...

glad to hear this!

keetens said...

i realized today that i really miss being able to do whatever i want, instead of perpetually waiting, waiting, waiting for my significant other so that i can buy a can of soda/decide to listen to music/figure out what i'm eating for dinner.

there is a downside, and it is called "lack of independence"

also: i hate the rain.