This afternoon I went to Counseling and Psychological Services. I made the appointment last week when I started freaking out about my adventures in sobriety. My nerves felt really shot; they still kind of do even though I have been drinking for the last three nights. I have also been largely unable to sleep. I popped awake this morning at seven and went for a jog even though (a) I don't have class today and (b) I didn't get to sleep until around 3 a.m.
My Clinical Psychologist is young. I almost think she is younger than me, but is that possible? Can you be a CP by the age of twenty-eight? I wonder.
Anyhow I laid out my whole history for her, which I actually read to her from a document I'd written last night at 2 a.m. because I was losing my voice to the extent that I thought I'd be unable to speak when I got to the appointment. I could speak, but I figured I might as well read what had taken me almost an hour to write.
CP told me some interesting things that I'd never really considered. She said my withdrawal symptoms were normal but that it wasn't a good idea for me to quit drinking cold turkey due to the amount that I drink. She said I could have had a seizure! and that it would probably be in my best interests to continue to drink, but to try and moderate it down a bit. Instead of twelve drinks, she said, try to have eight.
After some time she said I would "definitely qualify" for Substance Abuse Disorder by the standards of the DSM. And I thought Seasonal Affective Disorder was enough! Now I'm twice as SAD! (that was a crazy joke! laugh!) Apparently people with Substance Abuse Disorder can get some bomb free treatment here in New York. She doesn't know why, but people who are this SAD are taken very seriously. I'm not quite clear how this SAD is different than, say, alcoholism, or what have you, but there it is. Next week we will try to talk about Abuse versus Dependence. This is why I hate this kind of shit. What you call it doesn't really matter. All I know is that when I don't drink continuously I feel fucked up. Isn't it so weird that you can have withdrawal from The Booze? You can have heart failure and shit. She also said it's normal that I got sick. But not good. It's kind of funny because I don't think I can have a drinking problem, it's just that I drink so much that my body wants it now. I was mentally okay without drinking, it's just that my body felt like shit. That's what happens when you spend 4-10 hours a night drinking for a many many years at a time.
I'm glad I can go back to drinking. I didn't think my nerves were going to last.