Tuesday, April 2, 2013

eight months

I think I’m beginning to understand the meaning of the saying ‘the more things change, the more they stay the same.’ It has been a long time since my last post. We said goodbye to San Francisco and put the sofa on the street. My little brother got married. We got a dog. And for the last six months, we have been living out of a van in Mexico.

The first month it was hot. The second month it was hot. Every month except for this month has been hot, and still there are its hot moments. I foresee a lot of heat in my future, and I am not excited about that. I can do nothing in the heat. I am useless.

 My dreams have always involved travel and writing, but I never really foresaw this. This is a different sort of travel than I have ever known, travel as a way of life, travel with no foreseeable end, travel by day, by week, by month. Some days we don’t travel at all, but we are still traveling by default. For once, going home would require way more effort than staying abroad.

 Everything has changed. Every day is a different adventure to find plumbing, food, shade or sun, and a quiet place to spend the night. But every day is also the same. I write, the same as always, and I spend a great deal of time thinking about writing. I finished the novel that I started almost five years ago, up in Alaska. It is not the novel I set out to write, but it is finished and out there and I wish I could say I am proud, but that elusive emotion has yet to appear. We are not so far removed as to have abandoned all of my personal ambitions, and so I am waiting for the moment to be proud, to be relieved, to be anxious about other things like the book selling.

 It's been eight months since my last post. I don't need to broadcast my thoughts like I used to. But I still need to record them. That is why I write at all. My memory is hazy at best, and I trust what I write to be an accurate record of my past. Maybe my diaries are molding in a storage unit somewhere south of San Francisco, but at least I can see pieces of myself online whenever I want. For better or worse, The Internet Is Forever...or at least until someone locks it all up behind a paywall. I just want to throw one stake down this month so I can remember more than a feeling of contentment, but a feeling of hope.

Hope isn't as readily imitated as contentment. It's much more elusive and extreme. The worst times are when you are without hope. There was a time in this blog when I was very low on hope, and that has changed. It has taken many years and many failures. I am still unemployed and now living mostly out of a van, but my life has never felt more true to myself. I finished secret plan 437b, a book that I have been working on for a long time. It was first labeled as such in this blog on June 30, 2008. That was almost five years ago. Hope is beginning to fade as rejections start to trickle in and I find myself in this strangely familiar place of which I need no reminder.

The prospect of failure is different when you’re by yourself, away from family and friends and social norms. On the one hand, failure seems less fatal as long as you can live with it, without seeing it reflected back in anyone you know. On the other hand, it is all the more personal because you’re the one who insists on doing it. Still, maybe rejection doesn’t get any easier to handle, but starting over or just getting back in again does. And maybe that is one thing that is different. Travel makes it easier to think of new beginnings, and reminds you of the payoff of long hauls.

There is a strong likelihood that it will fail (AGAIN) but right now, there is all this wonderful hope, the kind where I almost don't want to find out what happens next. And this feeling--just wanting to revel in the moment...I suppose that's the very definition of content.


ammar said...

شركة تنظيف بالجبيل
شركة تنظيف بالخبر
شركة تنظيف بالقطيف
شركة تنظيف بالاحساء
شركة تنظيف بخميس مشيط
شركة تنظيف بابها
شركة تنظيف بالهفوف
شركة تنظيف بحفر الباطن
شركة تنظيف بالظهران
شركة تنظيف براس تنورة
شركة تنظيف في الدمام
شركة شفط الصرف الصحى
شركة تنظيف خزانات المياه بالدمام
شركة تنظيف في الدمام
شركة تنظيف مجالس بالدمام
شركة مكافحة الفئران بالدمام
شركة مكافحة بق الفراش بالدمام
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
شركة تنظيف بالاحساء
شركة نقل عفش بالدمام والاحساء
شركة تنظيف بالخبر
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالخبر
شركة نقل اثاث بالخبر
شركة تنظيف بالجبيل
شركة تنظيف براس تنورة
شركة تنظيف بالقطيف
شركة تنظيف بالقطيف
شركة تنظيف بسيهات
شركة تنظيف بالظهران
شركة تنظيف بالهفوف
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالاحساء
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالجبيل
شركة مكافحة حشرات براس تنورة
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالقطيف
شركة تنظيف مساجد بالدمام
شركة تنظيف بالدمام
شركة تنظيف شقق بالدمام
شركة تنظيف بالدمام
شركة تنظيف شقق بالدمام
شركة تنظيف فلل بالدمام
شركة تنظيف بخميس مشيط
شركة مكافحة حشرات بخميس مشيط
شركة تسليك مجارى بخميس مشيط
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بخميس مشيط
شركة نقل اثاث بخميس مشيط
شركة تنظيف بابها

abo-bder said...

شركة نقل اثاث بالرياض
شركة نقل اثاث بالخرج
شركة نقل أثاث بالدمام
شركة نقل اثاث بجدة
شركة نقل اثاث بمكة
شركة نقل اثاث بالمدينة المنورة
شركة نقل اثاث ابها
شركة نقل اثاث بالطائف

abo-bder said...

شركة نقل اثاث من الرياض الى قطر
شركة نقل اثاث من الرياض الى الامارات
شركة نقل اثاث من الرياض الى الاردن
شركة نقل اثاث من الرياض الى ابو ظبى
شركة نقل اثاث من الرياض الى الكويت

ชื่อที่แสดง said...

Serious Business is when a story revolves around an activity where a sizable portion of the in-story population takes it far more seriously than they should.


المثالي اون لاين said...

شركة تنظيف مجالس بالقطيف

شركة تنظيف موكيت بالقطيف

شركة تنظيف سجاد بالقطيف

شركة عزل اسطح بالقطيف

Commodity Tips Provider said...

Superb and awesome post about "eight months"

Commodity Tips Free Trial

Unknown said...


gream said...

Our online casino games site Gclub69 is a widely spread web site. Whether it is a gambler or a person interested in playing online casino. Golden slot It is a website that offers services of joy. In the form of gambling games. There are a variety of gambling games to choose from. There are also services. That will cover the betting style for you. More than imagined It is also a site that has the largest number of participants to play online casino. With the high level of service from the staff. There are staff available to help you with any issues you encounter 24 hours a day without having to worry. All you have to do is join us on our site. Unless you are having fun then. You also have the opportunity to earn a fortune. Our website is a solid and reliable website. You can also access our website no matter where you are in the world. สล็อต Do not wait for me. Join us on our website at all times.