arbitrary sexual boundaries

Sex is all over the place here in Buenos Aires. It is light and cavalier and expected. I am just now beginning to understand how sexually Puritanical America is, where things are changing but anything sexual takes on various connotations ranging from clinical to taboo. Things are different here. I've been with a lot of guys, but to me the sex is a lot less interesting than the way guys open up to you right before, during, or after getting laid.

Last week I went on a lunch date with this older German guy. He tried to take me home after lunch. I was incredibly attracted to him. He was very well spoken and interesting, and he made me feel like a person. What was strange was that he was really interested in my sexual history. I deflected his questions because I didn't feel comfortable discussing it with him over our first date, in a quiet cafe where everyone could hear you. What was also strange was that he seemed turned on by how many people I've been with, something that I've been feeling kind of ashamed of lately. The whole experience made me feel like a blushing virgin or something. I felt like I should have been able to have this conversation with him, as an adult. But I couldn't. I just lacked the sexual vocabulary, and the wherewithal to talk about sex naturally.

Then last night these two boys tried to take me to a hotel. I met them in the Plaza Serrano with a friend. We'd only just gotten our beer when the blonde said to me, "You want to fuck me, don't you?" I don't remember what I said. I think I said he was too young for me--20 years old. (A total lie, because I love all men, young and old alike.) He was very good-looking and intense, and his straight-forward manner of speaking made me think he was probably a serial killer. His gaze made me uncomfortable, but I tried to laugh it off. I said, "What about my friend?" And he said, "No, she's not interested in sex, but you are. I can see it in your face."

This shocked me. Earlier in the evening my friend said that she hadn't been around any cocaine in Buenos Aires, and I said that it was offered to me constantly, and that half of the guys I've been with here have plied me with a little bit of coke. I don't know what about me resonates with these types of guys and situations that she's not getting into, but I would like to know. The 20-year-old then proceeded to ask me how I liked it and, thinking back to my lunch date with the German, I tried to not back down from the conversation, to use it as a learning experience to employ a sexual vocabulary. I am not good at talking about sex, and I am not good at expressing what I am into or not into. I guess I just don't really know. With every guy it is different, so it is hard for me to make generalizations. Like I don't want to ask a guy to go down on me if he gives lousy head--and I don't want to give instructions to a guy I'll never see again. But seeing as how we were in a noisy, crowded place, and I was sufficiently liquored up, we talked about sex for quite some time. That's when he popped the idea of a threesome.

I have never been with two guys once. Three yes, with another girl...but that was different. It was more of an orgiastic playtime situation. I imagine just being one girl with two guys is really intense. The idea of it appealed to me, but the way the blonde was looking at me really creeped me out. And when he proposed a hotel, I was like, okay, let's go. Why the fuck not.

But then this voice of responsibility suddenly appeared. I am trying to be more responsible, partially because I am all alone here with no one looking out for me, and partially because I am turning 30 next month and I am sick of people telling me I don't seem that old. I think I seem young because I am lost and naive and still don't seem to know better than a 23-year-old. So I am taking baby steps towards being more responsible. Like this week I bought a white shirt, even though I don't think I'm responsible enough to own white clothing. And then instead of getting in the cab with the boys, I suddenly sidestepped them and took a cab home.

You know, I didn't feel as good about myself as I thought I would. It would have been a memorable experience. And he was right--I really did want to fuck him.