I have taken the morning off after spending the last four days living at school. For once, the work isn't bothering me, it's just something that I'm doing.
Something has changed in my head, and I'm not sure what it is, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with (a) the promise of spring, (b) the slippery slope back into the land of smokeable nicotine, (c) another boy to fall in love with, (d) being on a mission and (e) the decision to not buy any more clothes.
(a) makes sense, right? I've forgotten what seasons are like. Once it got cold, I think I just thought to myself, "Well, Fuck." And subconsciously thought it was going to be like this forever. Every day I wore a big black puffy coat, and I forgot about all the other jackets that I used to wear and love. I put all my summer shoes in the closet, and was living in perpetual winter. But now it's leaving! I'm not too sorry to see it go. I didn't realize how depressed I was for most of last month.
(b) I'm sick of talking about this. We have a dysfunctional relationship, but he's just so comforting to me. Keetens told me I should pretend that smoking was like a boyfriend...who died. So, you just can't go back there. But I am not good at pretending like that. Or maybe I am, but I just dont wanna.
(c) I introduced myself to a nice PhD student at a party a few weekends ago, and I've been running into him a lot at school. It makes my day. I also had a dream about him the other night, and it was awesome. It made my whole next day so light and lovely. Who says dreams aren't real, if they affect your waking life?
This new guy is very quiet, and I always say something stupid--just to say something. Then he quickly exits the scene. It's strange when you realize that someone is trying to get away from you. You're like, "But I love you! Don't be afraid! Well, maybe a little. Be kind of afraid. All right, you're smarter than I realized. Run. Run now while you can." I secretly think that the smartest boys are the ones who run away from me. Any guy that is into me right off the bat I think is an idiot. This latest crush is a big part of the reason why it's not really killing me to spend so much time in the computer lab, because that is where I run into him.
(d) My mission to save the world is shaping up quite nicely. I attended the NYC Grassroots Media Conference all day Sunday and it was really like I was returning to my people. I like conferences where all of the people there--both attendees and presenters--look like refugees. I am jealous of people who *truly* don't care what they look like, because they are on a bigger mission in life than looking good. I'm getting better at containing my vanity, mostly because I can't afford haircuts anymore. This kind of leads me into
(e) my decision to not buy any clothes anymore. Okay, not EVER again, but not until I am done with school and earning a paycheck. Ever since I moved to The NY, I find myself in a constant state of coveting whatever I see, and feeling bad that I can't have it. Or, debating how I can make sacrifices in order to buy that completely unnecessary article of clothing when I already own so many articles that I love. It has greatly simplified my headspace. To digress, when I quit smoking, it did the same thing. I stopped fighting myself over whether/when I should smoke a cigarette, and just stopped doing it.
It is fun to poke at your psyche sometimes, and try to fuck with yourself. It's funny the way we impose these rules on ourselves and see how we respond. "No new clothes for a year and a half? I'll show you! I'm going to save the world then! What do you think about that?"
It may sound delightful to be a naked chef, but if you ever get some splash back, your exposed stomach is probably one of the most sensitive areas on your body.