an educational saturday night

this is what i learned last night:

do not go out to get away from your mind or your resolve to stop drinking so much.

drinking cocktails out of double-shot glasses will give the appearance that you have only had little sips all night. do not be fooled.

do not stand too close to the pinata. foil-wrapped chocolate balls, when flying at high velocity, can really hurt.

if you tell yourself, "i will only have one drink," it usually works. if you tell yourself, "so what's one drink in these cute little glasses...three? four? well, i'll figure it out later," an educational saturday night is in store for you.

when you abandon the cute glasses that everyone has been drinking all night and start swigging tequila straight from the bottle, you have had too much to drink.

when people start calling you a hero because you are championing everyone else's discarded desperation drinks -- like vermouth on ice-- you have had too much to drink.

when your friend who has NEVER asked you if you're okay asks you if you're okay, leave immediately.

when leaving a party drunk, ask the hostess if she has a plastic garbage you can take with you. an old shopping bag should work too.

if you have to take the subway, sit at one end of the train, as far away from as many people as you can.

if you have to puke, use the garbage bag. if you don't have the garbage bag, use your purse.
if you are too drunk to open your purse, use the floor.

if you're vomiting all over the A train and you can't even think to yourself, "oh my god, i'm vomiting all over the A train, i'm so embarrassed," this is a good thing.

just because you want to get off the train doesn't mean it's your stop.

if you've already puked all over the A train, you might as well sit in it, so to allow other people to sit in seats that you haven't puked all over. also, if you change seats, you are messing up more seats.

just because a man wants to take you home does not mean he wants to sleep with you.

when a nice stranger walks you home, just say thank you. do not try to hug him, because you are covered in thirty people's drinks, and your partially digested meal. the stomach acid could ruin his coat and discourage him from helping other pathetic drunk girls in the future.

although tight chinese dresses are not comfortable pajamas, it doesn't matter if you're passed out on the toilet.